Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Katamonster

It is another evening at home. I am sat watching Grey's Anatomy. I am hooked on it and have already managed to watch the first season and most of the second when a Jerusalem friend calls me for a chat. Living in Tel Aviv, I love to hear about the goings on in Jerusalem, from a safe distance that I can laugh. It makes me think that despite the city of gold only being a 45 minute drive away (depending on traffic and my speeding) in terms of the culture and the people who live there it is a million miles away. If Tel Aviv is a ghetto then Jerusalem is a Shtetl. Walking the streets of Jerusalem you could be mistaken for thinking that you have gone back in time. The people who walk the streets are from a different era. They say that you can tell the year an Oleh made Aliyah by the clothes they wear. In that case you can tell whether that Oleh lives in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem from the way they look at the clothes you are wearing… especially the women!

Prior to making Aliyah my only inclination for not moving to Jerusalem was the idea of becoming a "Desperately Seeking in Katamon". However, the DSK is the least of your worries. Nowadays men in Jerusalem are under threat from the "Katamonster". In order to find out more about this new breed of Jerusalemite Female, I went to the experts, I consulted with people who would be in the know and finally I managed to speak to Sir David Attenborough who has been doing his own research into the Katamonster in his new series "Life in the Underground". Attenborough has followed this new bread from it's origins in the UK, US, Australia and South Africa, to the steps of Ohel Nachama, and found some startling revelations:

ChannahBoo: Sir David Attenborough, please can you define the term "Katamonster"

D.A.: Katamonsters are a subspecies of the female homo-erectus (humans).Their preferred habitat is the rocky terrain of Jerusalem, where they tend to congregate by their thousands.

Although they are active throughout the week, their weekly peak occurs after sundown on Friday night, also known as the Sabbath. At said time, they gather at their watering holes, "houses of worship", throughout the resource-rich Katamon area.

ChannahBoo: What do you mean by "resource-rich"? You make them sound like predators.

D.A.: Well they are! As such, they are nocturnal predators, and the prey they seek is the male of the species. The Katamonster is not a fussy species, it will pretty much take anything that's going, as long as it has a head covering (kippa), a stable job (got to get those resources!) and can elevate their status from very much single to MARRIED!

ChannahBoo: So what makes the Katamonster any different from the "Desperately Seeking in Katamon"?

D.A: Good Question. The primary difference lies in their aggression. The DSK is generally a passive creature who prefers to appear weaker or delicate in order to capture her prey; however as the Jerusalem female has evolved she has increased her aggression, and in addition has learnt to hunt in packs.

The Katamonster is very much a social living, group orientated animal. They hunt in packs, led by a dominant individual who has been on the "J-town scene" the longest, until she herself finds a male and then hands the reigns on to the next budding leader.

ChannahBoo: It sounds then that these females are pretty loyal to one another.

D.A: Loyalty generally remains within the individual Pack. You need to be aware that there are many packs of Katamonsters lurking in the city. In addition the loyalty that exists within the pack only extends as far as being loyal to one another as opposed to members of other packs. If a male enters the circle of the pack it is every Katamonster for herself. There is an Israeli phrase that these women have made there own: "A Girlfriend is not a Wall"… so regardless of one of their fellow pack members having a boyfriend, if the Katamonster in question wants him she will pursue him regardless of girlfriend and regardless if his girlfriend is one of her pack members.

ChannahBoo: So what happens to a Katamonster once she finds a mate?

D.A: Once the Katamonster finds her lifelong mate, she is no longer considered to be a Katamonster. She is often envied by the others in her pack, but she also provides inspiration which tends to level things out somewhat. In recent years, there has been an observed and documented movement of former Katamonsters to the Modi'in area. The reasons for this can only be speculated for the time being, but a number of theories do exist

Theory 1) As punishment for leaving the pack, married females are banished to the barren city of Modi'in to lie out their days. This is an unlikely theory, but has yet to be disproved.

Theory 2) Once married, the Katamonster no longer craves large gatherings of single males and her priorities are very much focused in a different direction. Modi'in can be viewed as a rich breeding ground, where the female can concentrate on giving birth to and raising the next generation. This is to date the most likely theory.

Later I contemplated this theory and I realised that where I had previously pitied the DSK, I felt no pity for her new aggressive re-model. The Katamonster deserves no pity as she gives none. She has no pity for the women she tramples over in the scramble to claim her prize; she has no remorse for those she leaves heartbroken in her trail; she bares no thought to the hurtful words she uses to badmouth a competitor. I have heard so many stories surrounding these women that it no longer shocks me to what length they will go to, to get a man.

A friend, knowing the research I have been doing, sent me an advert from Janglo with a message in the email saying "Is this all we have left?" The advert was as follows:
This Thursday night 2 March 2006 we are starting a 7 week workshop series for single women. The workshop series is 2 1/2 hours per week and focuses on personal development in preparation for marriage.

Seriously girls are there not more important things in life? What happened to suffrage, feminism, women's rights? Did they burn their bras for nothing? What happened to making something of your life? Of building a career, of focusing your energies on yourself rather than trying to fill the hole in your life with a man… who generally is unworthy?

Regardless, why organise such an event on the night of the week best suited for going out and meeting someone?! Please girls, do yourselves a big favour; do not go to a self help seminar on how to meet a man. Go out with your girlfriends and enjoy the single life while you are still single and enjoy your youth instead of rushing to grow old, have babies and die. Follow the example of Meredith Grey and drink tequilla! Make a promise to yourself now regardless if you are a DKS or a Katamonster, that you are going to go out on Thursday night with your girlfriends and have FUN (fun = good time minus the hunt for a man). Seriously girl go out and get some respect!


elif said...

where do I a resident Katamonite (perhaps even katamonster in the making...ooooh might be time to move to TA) I could write a thesis on this...1st of all its Ohel Nechama...2nd of all stable job???are you forgetting its Jlem its a rarity for a guy here to have a stable fact any one cares about the resources a girl will take anything it seems(they can always continue relying on mum and dad)time for a study of the male species residing here I think....(it would not take long)

channahboo said...

Ok people you can stop emailing me telling me I got the name of the shul wrong, because I have gone back and corrected it :)

Glad you are liking this blog!
Keep the comments a coming!

channahboo said...

And for those people (Americans) who think that Sir David Attenborough is the Jeru Guru revealed you are very wrong! I have added a link so you can be enlightened as to who the legend that is Sir David Attenborough is!

Jeru Guru said...

Me - an 80 year old man?

Sir David is a legend though and puts that crocodile clown to shame.

Beautiful Post, LMG :)

Sarah Likes Green said...

great post, entertaining and sounds very close to the truth!!

Esther Kustanowitz said...

Very interesting anthropological study!


Sorry to hear it's no better in the Holy Land...