Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
In the office my computer is dull compared to the mass colour activity occurring outside my window. The clouds are coming in from the direction of the black sea, swallowing the blue skies in its path, and I know that soon all the colours will be gone and it will be another grey day of this season of rain. But then I see colour flash in front of my screen and I see in between my building and the office building ahead a rainbow. A thick bright rainbow that seemed to come out of nowhere, but was definitely leading somewhere. They say that at the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold. Well at the end of this rainbow was the non-kosher supermarket that sells pork. They also say that somewhere over the rainbow ‘skies are blue’, but on the other side of the rainbow there are only grey skies.
But I still hold out the hope that somewhere over the rainbow all the dreams that I dare to dream will one day come true.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
That is on December 22nd, 2006 (put it in your diaries).
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006
There is nothing more certain in my life than when I need to be well, when one of my best friends are in the country for one day and one day alone, that is the day that I get sick. After weeks of eating well, exercising hard and generally looking after my boo, my body sees the forthcoming deadline of the J man's arrival and so decides to take a leave of absence... one two three everything begins to shut down and so here I am, on my fourth day off work, sick and restless.
I am craving something...
The doctor said I had a respiratory infection. Basically my cold has got to my lungs and now I am high on cough syrup, antibiotics and a ventilator to help me breath at night. No more wine, no more cigarettes, no more anything bad in my system... I can't even have a medicinal shot of whiskey in my lemon and honey. For the next ten days and perhaps onward I am T-total... again.
I am craving something very bad...
How many times can one person take antibiotics before you become immune to every sickness on the planet... if only it worked that way, but here I am not getting any younger and I am having to remind myself that no matter how young I might feel (I still feel 18 some days) my body is in the know and in the end it will catch up with me.
They say that once you hit 30 your skin stops rejuvenating itself. Hmmmmm just under 3 years to go.... perhaps I should get a head start now. I mean if the rest of my family stopped aging past 16 then maybe I should let Mother Nature take her course and stop fighting her with all the toxins of the world. I mean seriously, what am I fighting her on? Ok I give up I will stay young and beautiful forever... you win!
But I want it bad!
The easy part... Now I am just restless, so I am writing aimlessly... you want to know the point of this blog today? There is no point, other than the fact that I am restless. I have watched my fill of Grey's Anatomy, Sex and the City, Dr. Plastic and Amazing Race, and now I just want to release some energy! I would go to the gym, but the infection is still at a stage where if I go for a walk I am out of breath. So I guess instead of releasing energy I am abusing a borrowed laptop and releasing my emotions.... well they have been kept pent up for a while so I guess they deserve a little spin around the block.
Hmmm... But now I have given myself free reign to go crazy, I just don't want to. I guess I don't have as many emotions as I thought, or maybe I have just lost the energy to bother.
It was so good to see Josh when he was here. He was only around for one evening, but as always it was a pleasure. Josh is possibly the only one of my friends that every single one of my other friends love. To the extent that when I told people that he was in town for one night, everyone came over to see him... I felt very honored on his behalf. And despite being sick and refusing to kiss anyone hello as they stepped in the door, there was no way that evening was going to go by without me jumping on Josh and kissing him a million times. I miss the weekends we used to spend together slobbing out in front of the TV, listening to each others story of the week and saying "whatever" after every silly saga, playing Monopoly with friends... actually it would be more like Josh and his friends ganging up on me while we played Monopoly because I am such "an entertaining sore loser". I beg him to move to Israel, but when you have the coolest job in the world in England, you still come to Israel 2-3 times a year for a party, you have to remind yourself what you would be making aliyah for. Once upon a time I could have convinced him that the women in Israel were the finest in the world, but now not even that bribe is enough.
Have I sufficiently got every thought out of my head? Not quite... but for now.
Still restless, still sick... still sick and restless. So what do you do? You pick up the phone and call an old friend you love. You read a book or listen to a song that makes you cry. You do everything you can to remind yourself that you feel something... because it may be one of the only ways left to remind yourself that you are still human. Maybe that is why my body shut down, stopped breathing... to remind me to breath for myself.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Meanwhile the weather in my little country of love has cooled dramatically and I find myself scratching my head wondering where I put all my long-sleeved t-shirts and jumpers. The balcony at work is flooded so now there is nowhere to run for fresh air except downstairs on to the street. The clouds have infiltrated the blue skies and no sun is to be seen, so there is no need to close the blinds. I stare out of my window to a grey sky reminiscent of the good old days in London. The only difference is the sea. At least I can see the sea… dark and gloomy today.
It is funny how the weather can control your mood. Yesterday so full of life and giggles, looking for costumes and trying on wigs for the Halloween party in Jerusalem tonight, today so full of rain and clouds that I am struggling to concentrate on my work. And to make matters worse, all my friends in the office decided to opt for a burger lunch. Tempting it was, but determined to extend my tenacity to myself I decided to eat the salad I had prepared, only to find that some evil person had eaten half of my salad! Was the whole thing not good enough for you?!?!
The rain falls, the clouds swirl and surge further and I am fast becoming an emotional wreck. Everyone has eaten already, my options are walk out in the rain, get a sandwich and eat alone in front of my computer, or I could just wait until I go home… but I am hungry! I walk around the office with a sad face until my pregnant friend orders me to eat with her… the beautiful girl made a meal of rice and schnitzel (the homemade kind, not the crap that people eat from the freezer) and all I had to do was chop the vegetables for a salad.
PF: Channah you have to get out of this blue mood!
ME: I don’t know what is wrong with me… I reckon it is just hormonal
PF: Oh girl that would be great if you were pregnant!!
ME: I don’t think pregnancy is catching…
PF: If it is I am changing your name to Mary!
We feasted like the queens we are, and talked about our lives. I am constantly amazed by the people I meet in Israel. In England I knew people who would whinge about their horrible lives and all they had ever lived through was not making rent one month! Here in Israel I sit and have lunch with someone who lost family members in a suicide bombing, and those who did not die were left heavily scarred both physically and emotionally. I eat and talk with a vibrant girl who after her family moves to the States because they are so traumatised by the situation here is told that her green card is being taken from her because she came back to Israel to be drafted by the army. While her whole family lived in the States she had to find a life for herself in Israel… alone. Her family in the States and her, homeless, in Israel, she now finds herself in love, in a family, married, with a child on the way.
PF: I never thought I would ever deserve happiness
Her statement fills me with sadness, especially when I think of those I know and love who have said the same sad statement to me. We all deserve happiness. I know my friend here realised that in the end… maybe when the clouds give way to a spot of blue we may all realise that too.