Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Hendonshites

Israel is taking a little הפסקה (break), taking a deep breath and exhaling with relief that for a short period of time between Pesach and the summer there is a little respite from the tourists. Not to seem ungrateful, the tourist provide a much needed boost to Israel’s somewhat flailing economy, and don’t get me wrong it is always a pleasure to have visitors to stay. However, I think the old phrase, “The best part of having a guest to stay is their leaving,” can be held true, or was it “After three days, fish and guests stink.”? Either way we love it when they come; we just love having our place to ourselves when they leave.

So many tourists came over Pesach and it was actually pretty amazing to see so many Anglos around. Seriously I wonder how many synagogues in London closed their doors as most of the congregation was walking the streets of Tel Aviv and Netanya (why do people still go to Netanya?) At the same time it was a little strange for me. As someone who moved to Israel almost 5 years ago (no I cannot really believe it myself), it is one thing to go back to England to visit my family and friends who are still there. It is a different feeling though to find the ‘London’ scene on my doorstep. When I go back to England, maybe it is that I only see the people I really care about, or perhaps I slot back without a second thought, but when I see the London scene in my home, I can really see full on how different our two worlds are.

I know part of my urge to come to Israel was to rid myself of the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality, to be around like minded people as opposed to judgemental and hypocritical types. To be honest I had all but forgotten their existence until I bumped into an old friend who reminded me of one of the things I gladly left behind. Not the bad weather, not the long commute to work, not even ridiculously long queues at H&M. No, my friend reminded me that one of the greatest joys I left behind in England were her men, specifically (because I actually am rather partial to a man with a posh voice) what has come to be referred to as the “Hendonshites”. The “Hendonshites”? I hear you all ask. Well to explain further I would like to call once again my favourite expert (note also a British yet yummy man) Sir David Attenborough.

For those of you who do not recall, Sir David Attenborough once assisted me with the analysis of the Jerusalem plague of The Katamonster. Today he has been working on the enigma that is The Hendonshite within his new study “The man with two faces and little else”. I simply had to find out more:

Channahboo: - Hello David, I can call you David now right? What exactly is a Hendonshite?

Of course Channahboo. Well in order to answer that question and define the Hendonshite, one must first explore its origins. Born and bread within North West London, this creature is of male sex and past its years of sewing its oats across middle England and travels overseas, has come to rest in the area known as Hendon, London. Known as a largely Jewish populated area, it also holds a great deal of wealth which is what attracts these men to the region. They work in a variety of fields, not out of passion per se, but with the specific aim of funding the mortgage to their Hendon apartments which they quickly furnish into bachelor dens to lure their prey back to.

Channahboo: Prey?

Yes. These males not only choose Hendon for its wealth and prestige, Hendon is also a stalking ground, rich with fertile females and more importantly numerous dark alleyways hidden amongst the houses where they can hunt out new young prey, lure them back to their dens and wolf down whatever will fit into their oversized egos.

Channahboo: Wow sounds scary. Are they really so dangerous?

Not perhaps in the way that one might think. You see these males forget that it was a woman who brought them into this world, or perhaps they see no connection between the women they bed and their mothers and sisters, but they have a primeval view of women. I spent a week amongst them in disguise and found that I was quickly accepted once I told them how I had told a girl I loved her to get her into bed and then dumped her the next day.

Channahboo: Is that true?

I am a gentleman! Of course not. But I had to be accepted into the pack in order to study them more closely in their natural habitat, being at one of their houses, on their sofa watching the football. In the group they love nothing more than football and sharing stories of their conquests. One evening a particular Hendonshite was telling the pack of his recent conquest. As I mentioned earlier Hendonshite, predominantly prefer the younger flesh as their prey. There are theories as to why this is, some say it is their preference, others claim that it is all they can get as the older woman knows better. It is an area I am actually studying further at the moment.

Regardless this one night one of the Hendonshites was regaling the group with his tale of conquest and in this occasion the lady in question was in her 30’s. One Hendonshite upon hearing her age called out, “Wo ho! In her dirty thirties??” to which the group all began laughing. Another Hendonshite bellowed out beer bottle in hand, “Older girls love cock… And even if they don’t they do”.

Channahboo: So if that is their view how do they interact with the rest of society?

In disguise. They have friends who are married who they go to for meals and “endure the pitiful looks from the smug marrieds”. They have female friends who they use to further fuel their egos by telling them what sluts they are for being intimate with someone they liked (not knowing that they were also a Hendonshite too). I was intrigued by the primitive behaviour of these men who still in today’s day and age still refer to women as ‘sluts’, ‘whores’ and ‘bitches’.

Channahboo: I am confused here you say that they “endure the pitiful looks of smug marrieds”, so they themselves want to settle down with a mate?

Correct. However they may never do until they learn to respect the opposite sex.

My head was reeling from our conversation and I could not help thinking that although I am repulsed by these creatures I in some ways feel sorry for them. These lowly men seem to be stuck somewhere in the ages where it was ok to treat women in such a second class manner, that it is ok to degrade women publicly to such an extent for what? Admitting that they are sexually active? Is this jealousy and therefore their own ego at hand… I mean literally at hand because that is the only place their action is coming from? Or are they simply a group of boys who never grew up and that perhaps one day when they meet the right woman to tame them, then they will learn the value of a woman? I tried to ask Sir David these final questions, but he was unable to answer as he had yet to complete his studies to this extent. However he did state that from what he saw once a Hendonshite always a Hendonshite. So I wonder to myself, what are the women there doing? Run girls run! Save yourselves.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Things I have learned...

As I walked out of the office yesterday I took in a deep breath of fresh sea air and my heart felt like a weight had been removed. So many things are swimming around my head, but my heart is finally feeling clear and at peace. I have so much to tell, but nothing I can yet say… lets just say that plans may finally be coming together and I am finally feeling the fear and doing it anyway instead of hiding back under the blankets. Oh I am scared shitless, but oh lord I am doing it anyway!

I walked to my car, heading to Tel Aviv for some FroYo loving, and smiled to myself as I saw a young family walking towards their car after a day at the beach. The father and little son packing up the car while the mother and young daughter in matching short denim skirts danced to the music pouring from one of the restaurants.

I drove to Tel Aviv singing “Sin Wagon” at the top of my voice, imagining what Simon Cowell would say if I sang it to him and I giggled to myself as I imagined what I would say back to him in response, “Hey I just love singing this song!”

And so as I call an end to the dark time I have been in (thank you for your patience with me) I would like to end this post with some inspiration from dear friend and a list of things I have learned/ heard/ thought about during this time. (Thank you for your continued patience)

I’ve learned that no matter what he said, you said, they said, sometimes it just does not work out the way you thought it would

I’ve realised that I deserve better

I’ve thought a lot about the future and it is not as scary as I thought… ok still scary, but doable

I’ve heard that “guys have to eat a lot of shit before they realise the caviar they had”

I’ve learned that no matter how crazy you think you are being that there is someone who will tell you that they were so much worse!

I’ve realised that I am so lucky

I’ve thought about what it is I want and I am working on it

I’ve learned that beating ones self up is only self destructive and otherwise futile

I’ve realised again how blessed I am to have a family who are unconditionally there for me and friends who are like family

I’ve heard and learnt to “feel the fear and do it anyway”

I’ve had a good talk with myself and we are still friends

I’ve realised that I don’t want to be the kind of person who makes promises (to myself or others) that I cannot or won’t keep

I have realised that despite my depression/ nervous breakdown I am a pretty self aware and well grounded person

I have been told that I tell people too much about myself

I have realised that I don’t care!

Thanks for baring with me!

I’ll be back :)

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Sweet Fruit Crumble and Sticky Toffee Pudding were sitting over a Chocolate Ball wishing for a Belgium Waffle and replayed and old song, an old conversation that happened so long ago with a Cornflake Girl and a Raisin Girl in a cereal box.

Sticky Toffee Pudding: I just cannot get over it. How do you get over it?
Sweet Fruit Crumble: I’ve been there babe. It was horrible.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: As horrible as calling five times in a row because he didn’t answer the first time?
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Oh so much worse. And it was mean, cruel, evil words that would come out.

Sticky Toffee Pudding: Did you beg for him back?
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Oh yes. Even though I knew he was with someone else. It was a dark place.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: So how do you get out of it?
Sweet Fruit Crumble: You will
Sticky Toffee Pudding: Ha! How can you be so sure?

Sweet Fruit Crumble: Because you may not believe it right now, but you are not crazy.
Chocolate Ball: Men are assholes – Get off my Balls!

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart

Sticky Toffee Pudding: You know I have not seen him since.
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Ha his loss! You know you are looking gorgeous.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: Me?
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Yes you! Who you think I mean Chocolate Ball?
Chocolate Ball: Why thanks a lot ladies!

Sticky Toffee Pudding: Awwww thanks. You know he said that he saw pictures and said something about how us breaking up agrees with me… funny that.
Sweet Fruit Crumble: What a douchebag thing to say.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: I guess.
Chocolate Ball: What a Spotted Dick!

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall

And it breaks my heart

Sweet Fruit Crumble: You seem to be keeping it together
Sticky Toffee Pudding: It’s been four months!
Sweet Fruit Crumble: So! There is no time limit on these things.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: Oh there definitely is. There is a time limit until you become a psycho bitch and then another time limit before you are just pathetic. I think I have exceeded both those time limits
Sweet Fruit Crumble: I think you are too hard on yourself
Sticky Toffee Pudding: I think it is time for a little tough love… So I can keep saying to myself “Why can it not just be easy? Why can it not be simple?” but the truth is it wasn’t and it ended for a reason and I should just get over it.
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Of course but it is not that simple
Sticky Toffee Pudding: Of course not. Too much hurt. Too many broken promises and one broken heart.
Sweet Fruit Crumble: Hun, you did everything you could… It really is his loss.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: I am not sure he sees it that way now.
Chocolate Ball: Seriously you are a quality girl. Seriously get off my Balls!

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better

And it breaks my heart

Sweet Fruit Crumble: You’ll meet someone else
Sticky Toffee Pudding: So they say
Sweet Fruit Crumble: I promise it will get better you will see.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: Oh I am sure the world with unfold the way it should.
Sweet Fruit Crumble: You will meet the right Cupcake for you.
Sticky Toffee Pudding: What if I already did?