Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Hendonshites

Israel is taking a little הפסקה (break), taking a deep breath and exhaling with relief that for a short period of time between Pesach and the summer there is a little respite from the tourists. Not to seem ungrateful, the tourist provide a much needed boost to Israel’s somewhat flailing economy, and don’t get me wrong it is always a pleasure to have visitors to stay. However, I think the old phrase, “The best part of having a guest to stay is their leaving,” can be held true, or was it “After three days, fish and guests stink.”? Either way we love it when they come; we just love having our place to ourselves when they leave.

So many tourists came over Pesach and it was actually pretty amazing to see so many Anglos around. Seriously I wonder how many synagogues in London closed their doors as most of the congregation was walking the streets of Tel Aviv and Netanya (why do people still go to Netanya?) At the same time it was a little strange for me. As someone who moved to Israel almost 5 years ago (no I cannot really believe it myself), it is one thing to go back to England to visit my family and friends who are still there. It is a different feeling though to find the ‘London’ scene on my doorstep. When I go back to England, maybe it is that I only see the people I really care about, or perhaps I slot back without a second thought, but when I see the London scene in my home, I can really see full on how different our two worlds are.

I know part of my urge to come to Israel was to rid myself of the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality, to be around like minded people as opposed to judgemental and hypocritical types. To be honest I had all but forgotten their existence until I bumped into an old friend who reminded me of one of the things I gladly left behind. Not the bad weather, not the long commute to work, not even ridiculously long queues at H&M. No, my friend reminded me that one of the greatest joys I left behind in England were her men, specifically (because I actually am rather partial to a man with a posh voice) what has come to be referred to as the “Hendonshites”. The “Hendonshites”? I hear you all ask. Well to explain further I would like to call once again my favourite expert (note also a British yet yummy man) Sir David Attenborough.

For those of you who do not recall, Sir David Attenborough once assisted me with the analysis of the Jerusalem plague of The Katamonster. Today he has been working on the enigma that is The Hendonshite within his new study “The man with two faces and little else”. I simply had to find out more:

Channahboo: - Hello David, I can call you David now right? What exactly is a Hendonshite?

Of course Channahboo. Well in order to answer that question and define the Hendonshite, one must first explore its origins. Born and bread within North West London, this creature is of male sex and past its years of sewing its oats across middle England and travels overseas, has come to rest in the area known as Hendon, London. Known as a largely Jewish populated area, it also holds a great deal of wealth which is what attracts these men to the region. They work in a variety of fields, not out of passion per se, but with the specific aim of funding the mortgage to their Hendon apartments which they quickly furnish into bachelor dens to lure their prey back to.

Channahboo: Prey?

Yes. These males not only choose Hendon for its wealth and prestige, Hendon is also a stalking ground, rich with fertile females and more importantly numerous dark alleyways hidden amongst the houses where they can hunt out new young prey, lure them back to their dens and wolf down whatever will fit into their oversized egos.

Channahboo: Wow sounds scary. Are they really so dangerous?

Not perhaps in the way that one might think. You see these males forget that it was a woman who brought them into this world, or perhaps they see no connection between the women they bed and their mothers and sisters, but they have a primeval view of women. I spent a week amongst them in disguise and found that I was quickly accepted once I told them how I had told a girl I loved her to get her into bed and then dumped her the next day.

Channahboo: Is that true?

I am a gentleman! Of course not. But I had to be accepted into the pack in order to study them more closely in their natural habitat, being at one of their houses, on their sofa watching the football. In the group they love nothing more than football and sharing stories of their conquests. One evening a particular Hendonshite was telling the pack of his recent conquest. As I mentioned earlier Hendonshite, predominantly prefer the younger flesh as their prey. There are theories as to why this is, some say it is their preference, others claim that it is all they can get as the older woman knows better. It is an area I am actually studying further at the moment.

Regardless this one night one of the Hendonshites was regaling the group with his tale of conquest and in this occasion the lady in question was in her 30’s. One Hendonshite upon hearing her age called out, “Wo ho! In her dirty thirties??” to which the group all began laughing. Another Hendonshite bellowed out beer bottle in hand, “Older girls love cock… And even if they don’t they do”.

Channahboo: So if that is their view how do they interact with the rest of society?

In disguise. They have friends who are married who they go to for meals and “endure the pitiful looks from the smug marrieds”. They have female friends who they use to further fuel their egos by telling them what sluts they are for being intimate with someone they liked (not knowing that they were also a Hendonshite too). I was intrigued by the primitive behaviour of these men who still in today’s day and age still refer to women as ‘sluts’, ‘whores’ and ‘bitches’.

Channahboo: I am confused here you say that they “endure the pitiful looks of smug marrieds”, so they themselves want to settle down with a mate?

Correct. However they may never do until they learn to respect the opposite sex.

My head was reeling from our conversation and I could not help thinking that although I am repulsed by these creatures I in some ways feel sorry for them. These lowly men seem to be stuck somewhere in the ages where it was ok to treat women in such a second class manner, that it is ok to degrade women publicly to such an extent for what? Admitting that they are sexually active? Is this jealousy and therefore their own ego at hand… I mean literally at hand because that is the only place their action is coming from? Or are they simply a group of boys who never grew up and that perhaps one day when they meet the right woman to tame them, then they will learn the value of a woman? I tried to ask Sir David these final questions, but he was unable to answer as he had yet to complete his studies to this extent. However he did state that from what he saw once a Hendonshite always a Hendonshite. So I wonder to myself, what are the women there doing? Run girls run! Save yourselves.

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