Start Again

Well the weekend began with migraines and tears, a dangerous cycle that could not be stopped with all the drugs I was popping into my system. I lay for a whole day in the dark, tears rolling down my face, waiting for the pain to subside. I drifted in and out of sleep, and as I did I felt all the weight on my mind ease off. Not literally of course, the pain was still there, but I began to feel the things that were bothering me ease up somewhat… And then last night they all came crashing down on me again.

Last night I was relieved to see Fit Joel. We have always been close and although we have recently both been distracted and neglected our friendship, it was so good to spend some time with him, even if the only alone time we got was parked outside my apartment. It would seem that I am not alone. We have all been through those complicated situations where lines are blurred, where the space between black and white is a sea of grey. As we sat and talked, I remembered all the times we spent together during university and how easy it was to not date anyone during that time. As I poured out my heart to my dear old friend I realised that I had not felt so safe in so long. The advice he gave me was nothing I did not already know, nothing new and profound, but it touched me and I found myself only hoping that one day I could repay him with similar words of support. His advice was clear;

Channah you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are great and if they cannot get that then they just don’t get that… move on. But in the meantime I get how easy it is to not.

After we agreed that a weekend up North was what we both needed, I got out of the car, my head a whirl with his advice and I could not help but think about all the little niggles in my life that I would like to be ironed out. No matter, be it the issues with work, my family, my friends, or the men that come and go, they are all in my control and I have the power to manoeuvre my life in the direction I would like it to go. I also have the power to deflect the control I see others having on me… No one can tell me what to do. As he once said so many years to me:

Channah, you have a knack for asking for advice. You ask and ask and ask from everyone everywhere. But you only ever take the advice of yourself. That is a good thing… I just don’t get why you feel need to ask. You need to bypass that and just trust in your own instincts.

I figure that the issue with that has always been that I have been brought up to think in a very logical manner. From a young age the wild impulses of the ‘born actress’ were kicked out of me and I realised that logic was the only way I was going to find my path through life. The only problem is that when you are trying to find a new path and you have so many options in front of you it is usually your natural impulses or instincts which help you find the right way. My issue is that my logical brain blocks the instinctual voice in my head and no matter how much I try to hear it, my ears are blocked… for the exception of purchasing shoes. In that case my instincts take control and my logic is bound and gagged. How does this happen? Who knows, but at least I know it is still there… waiting for me to channel it somehow.

Lately I have found strangers shocking me into déjà vu with words I have not heard since my youth. At a Friday night dinner a couple of weeks ago a film director at the table turned to my roommate as I was in the middle of one of my stories and said, “That Channah is something! She is a great Actress… Wow!” My ears were burning as I tried to continue my story without being put off by the commentary going on stage left. However the flush was in my cheeks and I could not accept the compliment for what it was. Nor could I when I was having a rant about the ignorant new waitress in Arcafe who refused to give me my frequent customer discount because I did not have my card… Girl there is no frequent customer discount card!! They just give it to me because every other waiter knows me! During this rant I naturally and unknowingly began to imitate the annoying voice of the waitress. Mid speech I suddenly opened my ears to my audience and saw them laughing their asses off… “Channah seriously you are in the wrong profession! You should have been an actress!”

Once again instead of pride I felt embarrassed, and I could not understand why I would feel this from what was actually a complement. I then remembered all the times I had heard this before when I was a child and remembered how the words had been said mostly in the same way, but also enough times in scoff. Tears came to my eyes and I suddenly felt a rush of all the foolish feelings that had consumed me then; the feeling of being the court Jester rather than the entertainer; the feeling of being laughed at instead of laughed with. I guess every now and then the feeling that no-one around you takes you seriously comes back to me every now and then… it is my issue with myself. On the one hand I enjoy laughing at myself, on the other I often fear that I am being seen as just a joke. Perhaps this is my way of telling myself not to take Channah too seriously.

Looking back over all the blogs I have written over the last few weeks I see the little girl that I was, grappling to find her feet and establish herself again in this older more worldly body. As I said back then, this is not depression, I am not depressed. And no I am not in denial either! I think everyone at the moment is suffering the Seasonal Syndrome and feeling as grey and blustery as the weather and I think we are all waiting for the buds of spring to appear and the sun to shine again. I long to jump into the Mediterranean again after a long night partying with my girls.

In the short term I am starting another week, and I am already looking forward to the weekend. Perhaps there will come a time when I enjoy just standing still and watching the world around me move. However right now I am eager to jump back on the merry-go-round and feel the wind whip through my hair as life exhilarates me and makes my heart race… It has been too long since my heart raced. Ok maybe not as long as others, but long enough for me. So if the play is not panning out as planned, the actress has forgotten her lines and no longer cares about her role, she starts again from Scene One.