After spending the same amount I would spend if I were going to the Jerusalem Winter Ball last night on dinner (and Tequila!), I have come to the realisation that something has got to give. That or my money problems are going to become money catastrophes. And the apartment I dream of calling my own will forever be just a dream. Oh how I long to put my clothes away in my wardrobe knowing that the only reason I will be packing them in a suitcase is to go on holiday.
Oh a holiday! It is so sad to realise that the last holiday I went on was more of a rushed shopping excursion almost two years ago. Last night I talked late into the night about future holiday plans, London, Thailand… maybe one day I will actually see some of the world! It actually makes me cringe to think of all the cheap flights I could have taken advantage of living in England to fly to locations in Europe for a weekend break that I never did because of time/ money or effort constraints.
But now I am determined to look forward to something other than the weather changing. I am in a slump where I feel like I am not being heard, while at the same time I have nothing really to say. I feel like an empty shell, a vase that is just there for decoration but of no use. I have an urge to fight it, to smash it to a million pieces and to start again as me… Sounds a little like how I felt before I made Aliyah. I was sick of not being heard, sick of being someone I am not, and now I feel at times the same… How did this happen again? It is a shame when you feel like you have grown, moved on and improved yourself only to find yourself on the precipice of the same situation, with the same hang ups only this time you do not have a planned escape route. This time I’m going to have to actually tackle it head on and deal with it.
In the meantime though I am making plans to visit old friends and make a visit to the old country for some channahboo cuddles and a trip down the memory lane of a previous life. I am a good talker so when I told Mr. Javor that I might be paying him a visit near the summer he was full of plans for gigs and concerts. It would seem that there is a chance that my visit might coincide with one of my favourite bands playing.
Me: So can I see Bright Eyes?
Mr. Javor: No you are not allowed.
Me: What? I didn’t even ask for a backstage pass! Which I want by the way! Why?
Mr. Javor: Because I said so
Me: Boo you whore!
Mr. Javor: Actually you are, which is why you cannot come.
Me: Ha ha ha ok seriously MoFo sort me out or I will give you evils
Mr. Javor: I saw Lucy Lui backstage at the last Bright Eyes show. I stared at her and she gave me a dirty look. Was very cool!!!
For legal reasons I cannot repeat the rest of our conversation, but Mr. J… you are a rock star! I cannot wait to party with you!
So I have decided that if you cannot beat the funk you should just get down on it, which is exactly what I am doing tonight in the form of a Street dance Aerobics class. I expect that I will enter the class with my usual arrogance of wowing them with my dancing skills only to end the class falling on my ass… I cannot wait!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Walk Out
It is funny how you can go to sleep with a smile on your face and wake up the next morning crying. I guess it means I am just not happy at the moment. It is the beginning of that feeling deep in my chest that I had living in London, when I knew that I was moving to Israel. But the difference is that I am not going anywhere. I am staying here… with this feeling that leaves me crying on the way to work, snapping at my boss and wanting to walk out and start the day again tomorrow.
The tips of my ears are constantly itching and red hot. The voices are all around me and they are all the saying the same things. I want to shout out and make myself heard but the looks say, “Be a good girl, play your part and try not to say something stupid.” There is no refuge. No home I have in this country where I do not feel this in some way and I try to understand what happened that made me the village idiot. My gut is to just walk away, start afresh and find something new. But I am getting to an age where that would just be foolish, and as I am in fact not the village idiot, I refuse to behave like one.
I try and think about all the good things currently in my life, and there are lots of those treasures around me that I love and adore and who I know respect me for the person they know I am. The ones who take the time to listen to my stories, the friends who walk me all the way home because they see I am too drunk to get there myself, those who know they can rely on me for anything and do, those who understand that when I am calling ‘just to say hey’ that is cue for them to make me laugh, the people who are always around, always there and always care what is going on in my life, not just when they want something in return.
There are enough people close around me that have no idea who I am or what I feel, for if they did they certainly would not take advantage of my kindness the way they do. I feel like I have ‘mug’ written on my forehead and with every smirk that it is sent my way, the lettering becomes darker and darker and is tattooed deeper into the creases. I try to wipe it off, but there on the other side is the word ‘nagger’ so it is either one or the other. So what do I do instead? Nothing. I shut my mouth, I don’t say a word. I pretend like everything is fine, that I am not hurt, disappointed or offended. I could pretend like this forever. I can be a good actress when need be. The only thing is that I am miserable.
(Sorry to be so morbid on my 100th posting... I swear it will get better)
The tips of my ears are constantly itching and red hot. The voices are all around me and they are all the saying the same things. I want to shout out and make myself heard but the looks say, “Be a good girl, play your part and try not to say something stupid.” There is no refuge. No home I have in this country where I do not feel this in some way and I try to understand what happened that made me the village idiot. My gut is to just walk away, start afresh and find something new. But I am getting to an age where that would just be foolish, and as I am in fact not the village idiot, I refuse to behave like one.
I try and think about all the good things currently in my life, and there are lots of those treasures around me that I love and adore and who I know respect me for the person they know I am. The ones who take the time to listen to my stories, the friends who walk me all the way home because they see I am too drunk to get there myself, those who know they can rely on me for anything and do, those who understand that when I am calling ‘just to say hey’ that is cue for them to make me laugh, the people who are always around, always there and always care what is going on in my life, not just when they want something in return.
There are enough people close around me that have no idea who I am or what I feel, for if they did they certainly would not take advantage of my kindness the way they do. I feel like I have ‘mug’ written on my forehead and with every smirk that it is sent my way, the lettering becomes darker and darker and is tattooed deeper into the creases. I try to wipe it off, but there on the other side is the word ‘nagger’ so it is either one or the other. So what do I do instead? Nothing. I shut my mouth, I don’t say a word. I pretend like everything is fine, that I am not hurt, disappointed or offended. I could pretend like this forever. I can be a good actress when need be. The only thing is that I am miserable.
(Sorry to be so morbid on my 100th posting... I swear it will get better)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Fox Skin
On the drive to work today I passed a dead fox in the road. Being brought up in the suburbs, close to the countryside, I was used to seeing foxes walking across my lawn, across my street, in my bins, laughing at my street cat that tried to stop it from entering her territory. The foxes of Leeds were actually beautiful to watch. I loved to see their rich and vibrant coats as they ran up my driveway towards their prize. I never thought of them as wild animals, they were the suburb’s pets… the ones we kept outdoors at all times and never tried to pet. However the fox this morning, despite being dead, was very different to the animals I was used to. This fox was truly a wild beast. Its coat was warn and dull in colour, with black strips throughout. In fact it looked more hyena than fox, with its fangs hanging out of the side of its wide slashed mouth. I stared at it for long as I dared without crashing into the car in front of me.
I have a real feeling at the moment that everything is changing while everything stays the same. New people are coming into our lives as old ones are fading out and for the first time in a long time I am wishing that we could spin back time a few months and hold it there just a little longer. But then I realise that I am a lunatic and that we cannot stop time, we cannot turn back time, we just have to move onwards and forwards. Yes it may seem that really nothing has changed since last year. It may seem that all the goals I set for myself throughout my Aliyah have not all come to fruition, but as long as I sit here and dwell on what never was, I will miss out on what could and should really be. I know what I want for myself and only I can achieve that, even though it would be nice to push the hassle every now and then onto someone else. But the one good thing about looking back is learning from what you left behind you and as someone who has had her fair share of crutches in the past I think the time has come to stand on my own two feet and kick those crutches to the side… ok maybe I will take it step by step.
Last week finished with sickness as opposed to the fun Thursday night I had in mind and this Thursday night looks to be one of those evenings where we are all doing our own thing. Long gone are the summer evenings at Clara’s, buying vodka by the bottle and dancing in the sea at the end of the night. It is like the winter is freezing every bit of fun out of my nights and the only parts of my days that I look forward to are the gym and my bed. Not even my living situation is what it was and it is a lonely existence. Usually it would be about now that I would grab a bottle of wine, grab my mobile and message an ex, but not even that appeals right now. I don’t think it is depression, because I am not depressed and in the wide scheme of things I have nothing to be depressed about. I think I am tired of being boxed up and wrapped in a ribbon. I think I am just bored. Well tough shit I guess. Because if I want to get where I am going then I am going to be boxed and bored for a while and if I don’t like it… well I will just have to keep looking to the future with one eye over my shoulder. At least my hair is looking great at the moment.
I have a real feeling at the moment that everything is changing while everything stays the same. New people are coming into our lives as old ones are fading out and for the first time in a long time I am wishing that we could spin back time a few months and hold it there just a little longer. But then I realise that I am a lunatic and that we cannot stop time, we cannot turn back time, we just have to move onwards and forwards. Yes it may seem that really nothing has changed since last year. It may seem that all the goals I set for myself throughout my Aliyah have not all come to fruition, but as long as I sit here and dwell on what never was, I will miss out on what could and should really be. I know what I want for myself and only I can achieve that, even though it would be nice to push the hassle every now and then onto someone else. But the one good thing about looking back is learning from what you left behind you and as someone who has had her fair share of crutches in the past I think the time has come to stand on my own two feet and kick those crutches to the side… ok maybe I will take it step by step.
Last week finished with sickness as opposed to the fun Thursday night I had in mind and this Thursday night looks to be one of those evenings where we are all doing our own thing. Long gone are the summer evenings at Clara’s, buying vodka by the bottle and dancing in the sea at the end of the night. It is like the winter is freezing every bit of fun out of my nights and the only parts of my days that I look forward to are the gym and my bed. Not even my living situation is what it was and it is a lonely existence. Usually it would be about now that I would grab a bottle of wine, grab my mobile and message an ex, but not even that appeals right now. I don’t think it is depression, because I am not depressed and in the wide scheme of things I have nothing to be depressed about. I think I am tired of being boxed up and wrapped in a ribbon. I think I am just bored. Well tough shit I guess. Because if I want to get where I am going then I am going to be boxed and bored for a while and if I don’t like it… well I will just have to keep looking to the future with one eye over my shoulder. At least my hair is looking great at the moment.
And no, I am not a scared bunny… I am a shark goddamnit!!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I'll take the beef with a side dish of guilt
I cannot believe it has been a week since I have written anything. I cannot believe that with all that has happened in that time that I have not even had the urge to write something down. That is until last night.
Yesterday, everything shut down and all that was left was the overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why guilt? What do I have to feel guilty about? I struggle to remember and then I wonder perhaps it is just hormones, but the timing for that is all wrong. I have the same feeling deep in my chest that I have when I know a family Yautzite is coming up. The feeling of doom; the feeling that any second the knife wielding monster is going to jump out of the closet, the shark is going to attack, and somehow with all this guilt I feel like I had it coming.
Last night with all this on my mind I decided to beat it out of my system with a full on work out at the gym, but after 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer the guilt was in my muscles and I could not go any further. Hearty soup that I had made the night before was home waiting for me and the idea of something beefy and fulfilling inside me seemed to ease my joints. I walked out of the Dizengoff centre and made my way home trying to switch off the little voice… and then I realised that the little voice was not in my head, but was the voice of a stranger trying to get my attention.
I carried on walking and ignored his attempts to get my attention. I snuck a peak under my cap to my side and there he was… still trying to get my attention. I was now feeling stalked. I turned into my road and looked around to see him walk away. Phew! I then walked into the gateway of my apartment to the front door and was suddenly amazed to hear him behind me again. I swung around and was faced with this guy who asked me if I recognised him. “Who the hell are you?” He told me his name and asked for mine and began to move in closer. All the guilt, all the fear and all the shock I was feeling suddenly bubbled over and as tears welled up in my eyes I told him to leave me alone, that approaching a girl in that way was not nice and to Fuck off!
His face dropped and it was then I realised what beautiful eyes he had. But it was my eyes that would not stop… I ran up the stairs to my apartment, opened and bolted the door shut behind me and wept. It took the soothing words of Eli to make me stop crying and once again feel guilt for going crazy at a guy who was probably not an axe murderer or serial rapist, but just a guy who has bad enough taste to ask me for my number as I walked home sweaty and dishevelled from the gym. More guilt!
Today I feel much better. I have been focussed on work and the other distractions have just been fleeting. Plans for the weekend and Thursday night are beginning to take shape and I am now going to have to let go of a very fun Thursday night and blissful Shabbat with the family and move on to a new weekend. Perhaps this weekend will help me purge the guilt and move on to a new week, with new adventures and distractions to tempt me. Not that all the ladies are so happy… now that I am discovering that dipping into their pool once in a while can be a surprisingly fun experience. Bring it on girls… bring it on!
Yesterday, everything shut down and all that was left was the overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why guilt? What do I have to feel guilty about? I struggle to remember and then I wonder perhaps it is just hormones, but the timing for that is all wrong. I have the same feeling deep in my chest that I have when I know a family Yautzite is coming up. The feeling of doom; the feeling that any second the knife wielding monster is going to jump out of the closet, the shark is going to attack, and somehow with all this guilt I feel like I had it coming.
Last night with all this on my mind I decided to beat it out of my system with a full on work out at the gym, but after 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer the guilt was in my muscles and I could not go any further. Hearty soup that I had made the night before was home waiting for me and the idea of something beefy and fulfilling inside me seemed to ease my joints. I walked out of the Dizengoff centre and made my way home trying to switch off the little voice… and then I realised that the little voice was not in my head, but was the voice of a stranger trying to get my attention.
I carried on walking and ignored his attempts to get my attention. I snuck a peak under my cap to my side and there he was… still trying to get my attention. I was now feeling stalked. I turned into my road and looked around to see him walk away. Phew! I then walked into the gateway of my apartment to the front door and was suddenly amazed to hear him behind me again. I swung around and was faced with this guy who asked me if I recognised him. “Who the hell are you?” He told me his name and asked for mine and began to move in closer. All the guilt, all the fear and all the shock I was feeling suddenly bubbled over and as tears welled up in my eyes I told him to leave me alone, that approaching a girl in that way was not nice and to Fuck off!
His face dropped and it was then I realised what beautiful eyes he had. But it was my eyes that would not stop… I ran up the stairs to my apartment, opened and bolted the door shut behind me and wept. It took the soothing words of Eli to make me stop crying and once again feel guilt for going crazy at a guy who was probably not an axe murderer or serial rapist, but just a guy who has bad enough taste to ask me for my number as I walked home sweaty and dishevelled from the gym. More guilt!
Today I feel much better. I have been focussed on work and the other distractions have just been fleeting. Plans for the weekend and Thursday night are beginning to take shape and I am now going to have to let go of a very fun Thursday night and blissful Shabbat with the family and move on to a new weekend. Perhaps this weekend will help me purge the guilt and move on to a new week, with new adventures and distractions to tempt me. Not that all the ladies are so happy… now that I am discovering that dipping into their pool once in a while can be a surprisingly fun experience. Bring it on girls… bring it on!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
QashQai Fun
I want to be this guy...
The Flying Fish:
The Flying Fat bloke:
The Flying Fuck:
Thank you Nissan for the amusement. Shame it didn't sell you more cars.
(nb Thanks israluv for forwarding this to me... My office loves it!)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
What does the future hold?
After the thick fog of booze lifted from weighing down my duvet over my eyes, I awoke to a new year and found that I had a lot to look back on and think about. My head was a whirl with alcohol fuelled evenings that although have been a delightful addition to my social life, have done little for my worn down body. And now with the New Year my body is beginning to fight back… and not a moment too soon!
After a month of living without TV and loving the little joy of a laptop with endless episodes of my favourite shows (House MD, Studio 60, Entourage, and of course Grey’s Anatomy) I got a little ahead of myself and decided that I could live without TV full-stop and promptly told the bitch in the accounts department of YES where she could go stick her pompus attitude and if she didn’t want my ‘kind of business’ then I would quite happily take it elsewhere! Unfortunately the only other place to run is HOT. HOT the TV channel that has removed BBC Prime and replaced it with more Russia channels and Ethiopian TV programmes. Where are the British supposed to find refuge in this country that will not let us keep up to date with the goings on of Albert Square nor even provide our bills in another language other than Russian or Hebrew. So when the nice American guy who works for YES’s “get you back” department called and begged me for forgiveness, begged me to come back, promised me all the love, all the BBC Prime TV and all the service I got before at a reduced rate, I thought for a moment and reminded myself that the laptop was soon to be returned to its owner and my smugness at telling them where they could go stick it, would ultimately be stuck with me…. TVless!
YES-man: Please tell me what I can do to make you happy
ME: (Sidestage: Hmmmm find me a man that will say that and mean it)
Actually can you send me my bills in English?
YES-man: No
ME: Ok. So can you have it so my account can be seen on the Yesbox in English
YES-man: No
ME: (Sidestage: I am thinking this is a NO-man and not a YES-man)
Am I a second class citizen?
YES-man: Yes… sadly in the land of Israel there is no room for us Anlgos… I guess there just aren’t enough of us.
ME: Or maybe we just don’t complain enough… Want to start a Coup!?
YES-man: Err… no.
Ok so I am not starting a coup, but I do think it is ironic that both companies who refuse to provide service in the English Language both use English words as their name! YES and HOT…. Hmmmmmmm, I leave it with you to come up with the appropriate rhymes to go with those names. I have lots!
Anyway, moving on, I had a quick week last week due to days off from work to recover from New Years, which was made all the more fun by the presence of Mr. Javor. (Dude you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten… Come back soon!!) But as with all short weeks, the weekend was even shorter and half way through a very pleasant Friday night snuggled on the sofa of Ginrod with a glass of wine in one hand and the other under a blanket trying to find warmth, I realised that the weekend was very almost over. Saturday came too soon and after a festive rendition of Cinderella I contacted as many of the folk I had not sent seasons greetings to and had an early night.
I have never been one to make New Years Resoluations. I like to treat my life with constant assestments and reward reviews so that no year ends with too many nasty suprises. As far as the rest of my life? Well I can only focus on one thing at a time when it comes to my life and I have finally found that I am the most important thing in MY life, so that is what I am focusing on at the moment…. Everything else is frosting… and you know how partial I am to a bit of frosting!
I would like to wish you all a belated Happy New Years. May this year be the beginning of the rest of our lives, filled with joy and happiness, health, wealth and success! XXX
After a month of living without TV and loving the little joy of a laptop with endless episodes of my favourite shows (House MD, Studio 60, Entourage, and of course Grey’s Anatomy) I got a little ahead of myself and decided that I could live without TV full-stop and promptly told the bitch in the accounts department of YES where she could go stick her pompus attitude and if she didn’t want my ‘kind of business’ then I would quite happily take it elsewhere! Unfortunately the only other place to run is HOT. HOT the TV channel that has removed BBC Prime and replaced it with more Russia channels and Ethiopian TV programmes. Where are the British supposed to find refuge in this country that will not let us keep up to date with the goings on of Albert Square nor even provide our bills in another language other than Russian or Hebrew. So when the nice American guy who works for YES’s “get you back” department called and begged me for forgiveness, begged me to come back, promised me all the love, all the BBC Prime TV and all the service I got before at a reduced rate, I thought for a moment and reminded myself that the laptop was soon to be returned to its owner and my smugness at telling them where they could go stick it, would ultimately be stuck with me…. TVless!
YES-man: Please tell me what I can do to make you happy
ME: (Sidestage: Hmmmm find me a man that will say that and mean it)
Actually can you send me my bills in English?
YES-man: No
ME: Ok. So can you have it so my account can be seen on the Yesbox in English
YES-man: No
ME: (Sidestage: I am thinking this is a NO-man and not a YES-man)
Am I a second class citizen?
YES-man: Yes… sadly in the land of Israel there is no room for us Anlgos… I guess there just aren’t enough of us.
ME: Or maybe we just don’t complain enough… Want to start a Coup!?
YES-man: Err… no.
Ok so I am not starting a coup, but I do think it is ironic that both companies who refuse to provide service in the English Language both use English words as their name! YES and HOT…. Hmmmmmmm, I leave it with you to come up with the appropriate rhymes to go with those names. I have lots!
Anyway, moving on, I had a quick week last week due to days off from work to recover from New Years, which was made all the more fun by the presence of Mr. Javor. (Dude you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten… Come back soon!!) But as with all short weeks, the weekend was even shorter and half way through a very pleasant Friday night snuggled on the sofa of Ginrod with a glass of wine in one hand and the other under a blanket trying to find warmth, I realised that the weekend was very almost over. Saturday came too soon and after a festive rendition of Cinderella I contacted as many of the folk I had not sent seasons greetings to and had an early night.
I have never been one to make New Years Resoluations. I like to treat my life with constant assestments and reward reviews so that no year ends with too many nasty suprises. As far as the rest of my life? Well I can only focus on one thing at a time when it comes to my life and I have finally found that I am the most important thing in MY life, so that is what I am focusing on at the moment…. Everything else is frosting… and you know how partial I am to a bit of frosting!
I would like to wish you all a belated Happy New Years. May this year be the beginning of the rest of our lives, filled with joy and happiness, health, wealth and success! XXX
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
